Journal Reflections
Thoughtful writing on relationships, trauma, recovery, and the everyday work of becoming more fully yourself.
When is the Right Time to Try Couple’s Counseling?
For better or worse. Those words seem easy to say at the time, but when worse gets really bad, many couples are ready to throw in the towel. That’s because they didn’t seek help in time and let things get out of hand.
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"Am I An Addict?" 5 Signs You Should Seek Help
When we speak about addiction, we tend to think of drugs and alcohol. But there are many seemingly benign activities that can become an addiction for some people. For some, watching porn is an activity done once in a while for fun, while others watch for hours every day alone. Some people shop only when they need something, others spend more than they can afford chasing a certain feeling that shopping gives them.
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How to Recover from Infidelity
In my time as a marriage counselor, there is probably one statement I have heard more than any other, and that is, “I just don’t think I will ever get over this.” This statement is often said by my clients who have recently learned their spouse has had an affair. The second most common phrase I hear is, “I just don’t think I can ever trust them again.”
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You Are Not Alone: Finding Support as a Male Sexual Abuse Survivor
On an almost daily basis we hear stories of female sexual harassment and abuse in the media. Sadly, male sexual abuse is fairly common, but the issue is underreported by the media and society in general.
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5 Daily Self-Care Exercises for Survivors of Abuse
Unfortunately, being a survivor of trauma or abuse is exceedingly common. According to the National Children’s Alliance, nearly 700,000 children are abused in the U.S. annually. And according to the Center for Disease Control’s 2017 National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey, nearly 1 in 4 adult women and approximately 1 in 7 adult men report having experienced severe physical violence from an intimate partner in their lifetime.
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How to Fit Romance Back into Your Scheduled Sex Life
It’s the natural course of things in any romantic relationship: as time passes, the “newness” and “butterflies” gives way to routine. You always know what to expect from your partner, and you’ve heard all their stories. While your love for your partner has grown and matured along with you and your relationship, it’s not uncommon for what was once a fiery passion to have fizzled out over the years.
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Why EMDR is a Helpful Treatment for Sexual Abuse Survivors
In the United States, one in three women and one in six men will experience some form of sexual abuse in their lifetime, according to the National Sexual Violence Resource Center (NSVRC). When sexual abuse happens, many people don’t know how to cope with the event or express their feelings in a healthy way. The result is a life of feeling fear and shame as well as experiencing depression and anxiety. NSVRC reports that 81% of female victims and 35% of male victims will develop Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).
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The Best Medicine is a Treadmill: How Daily Exercise Can Treat Depression
According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, about 9% of American adults live with depression. It’s also worth mentioning that a major depressive episode is the leading cause of disability for Americans between the ages of 15 and 44.
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Why EMDR is Effective in Treating Trauma
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, or EMDR, is a therapeutic protocol used in the treatment of mental and emotional trauma. It has been widely praised in the United States and is currently used by agencies such as the American Psychiatric Association, the International Society for Traumatic Stress Studies, and the Departments of Defense and Veterans Affairs.
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Signs Your Partner Is Addicted To Pornography
All addictions negatively impact a relationship, and pornography addiction is certainly no exception. The adult entertainment industry generates billions of dollars annually, and with an estimated 40 million Americans visiting porn sites regularly, pornography addiction is a problem for many families.
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Am I Codependent?
Codependency is a term that describes an unhealthy or unbalanced relationship where one person’s needs are met while the others aren’t. Codependent people are said to “enable” the bad behavior of a loved one by supporting them, no matter if it negatively affects their own well-being.
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What is EMDR?
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing therapy, or EMDR, is a set of standardized protocols that incorporate elements from many different treatment approaches. It has been researched extensively and proven effective for the treatment of trauma.
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What is Emotional Incest?
Many of us grew up in households that were dysfunctional, where boundaries between parents and adults were blurred in unhealthy ways. Emotional incest is not of a sexual nature, but it does describe unhealthy emotional interactions between adults and children that are psychologically inappropriate.
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Proud To Be An RAE!
I am proud to announce I have completed another training with IITAP and I am officially a Certified Rainbow Advocate and Educator. This was a well-put-together course addressing the needs of the LGBTQIA2++ community. Not only was I taught by two wonderful instructors, but by the other participants as well. I was honored to be there. I wish for every person who comes into my office to know they are safe to explore their inner worlds, identities, thoughts, and feelings. After all, we all want love and connection, and acceptance.
Read article →Welcome to the updated website!
It is a new year and a great time to update the site! I finally have the time to add more blog posts. Look for educational and personal posts that I hope will be of help to you. I am updating my resources page. I am adding books daily and hyperlinking them so you can puruse them, and purchase them if you like. I will also be adding a section for websites and apps that have been very helpful for others.
Read article →Make Love With Coffee
I love this quotation and idea from the book, Feck Purfuction, by James Victore. This is a great way to practice cherishing your spouse, and to add a ritual of connection, courtship, and intimacy to your relationship. Can you imagine how surprised your mate will be to find a lovely note – a quote, a greeting, a stick drawing – next to their coffee every morning? Imagine how fun this could be to find one, one day, by your mug of coffee. Dr. Kevin Leeman, another author I have read years ago, had a book titled Sex Begins in The Kitchen. Exactly. Here is the quotation:
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Loving him to Death – Enabling an Addict
Here is a great article from Harbor Moon Recovery on what enabling is. A quick definition is loving an addict to death. Are you helping or enabling? Read on!
Read article →4 Secrets to Living a Bold, Creative Life – Artsy
This is such a great quotation from the article: “Being weird or different—even creative—should be not a source of shame or embarrassment but a torch to be held high. Weird is about the courage to be who you were born to be. Nerdy, goofy, fidgety; these are strengths. These are gifts! The things that made you weird as a kid are the source of your character and creative powers. These are the base elements of who you are. Not perfect. Not trying. Just yourself. If you hide them, you risk never knowing what you’re capable of.” Who gets to define the nebulous word, “normal,” anyway? Normal is a relative term – normal, compared to what? Exactly. So be creative, be weird, be you.
Read article →Why Does What We Mean Come Out So Horribly Wrong When We Say It?
I had a client speaking about how he wished to let his wife know how afraid he is of the sense of disconnection he was experiencing with her,and how it went terribly wrong. It made me think of this scene from Dumb And Dumber. Here, you see Lloyd imagining what he wants to say to the woman of his dreams, and when he is face to face with her, it comes out dreadfully wrong. We have all experienced this, and usually with people who mean quite a bit to us. Why? Well, we are vulnerable. We are expressing deep needs, wants and desires, the need for connection and attachment, and we are not sure how the other person will receive it. Will they make fun of us? Dismiss us? Laugh? Sneer? Call us “too needy”? So, we choke. It comes out terribly, full of blame and criticism, and a fight ensues. How do we change this? Start with “I” statements – do not blame the other person. For example, “I have been missing our time together,” not, “You never spend time with me.” Talk about how you feel and think, what your perspective is, AND ask for what you need. Risk yourself and turn to your loved one. This is called turning towards each other. They usually do care about your feelings and what your needs are, and probably have no idea you feel this way. If they laugh at you, dismiss you, or demean you, it is time for therapy. Enjoy this scene from Dumb And Dumber.
Read article →Choosing To Not Choose Is A Choice
“When you have to make a choice and don’t make it, that is in itself a choice.” – William James Choosing not to choose is a choice. You are abdicating your preferences, leaving others to choose for you. They normally do not choose what you want, and then, you are disappointed. Our brain is tricky, and turns that disappointment into resentment of the other person, and that is a bad omen, especially for relationships. I see this frequently. One person thinks if they do not speak up, the other person will be happy, and that, in turn, will make them happy. Instead, they are disappointed, frustrated, and do not like whatever the other person has decided. The brain turns this into, “They are so selfish. They do not care about me at all.” This resentment then erupts into harsh fights, and eventually, the end of the relationship, if not treated. Instead, speak up, start gently. Ask for your preference. Open that conversation. People who love you truly want to know.
Read article →Journeys Are The Midwives of Thought – Turning Inward
Thought of the day: “Journeys are the midwives of thought. Few places are more conducive to internal conversations than moving planes, ships or trains.” – Alain de Botton
Read article →The 7 Daily Essentials for Brain Health
Dr. Dan Siegel saw that the US Dept of Agriculture replaced the food pyramid with a plate to remind people of what a healthy diet looked like, and he thought, how about doing that for optimal brain function? So, he designed a plate with the 7 essentials daily essentials we need for optimal brain health and sense of well being. They are: Sleep, Physical Time, Focus Time, Connecting Time, Play Time, Down Time, and Time In. We need to have a bit of each of these in our lives each day. Here are his brief definitions of each category. He also had a great suggestion. He suggested that you map out an average day and see what amounts of time you spend in each essential mental activity. Are you lacking in one area? Two? Is one area taking up way too much of your plate? How about mapping a day, where you felt fantastic? How did it look on this plate? During this and next week, I will explore each of these categories more, to give you more ideas of how to achieve optimal brain health.
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